leading lady

you know those scenes in movies, usually chick flicks or at least ones with a love interest, where the camera pans over to the leading lady? it's usually at a party or a social gathering where there are a lot of people. The male lead is completely smitten and just watching her from afar as she interacts with other people. She's usually laughing and sipping a cocktail, totally unaware that the guy is watching her and it's usually in semi, slow-motion. Or sometimes she's laughing and realizes the guy is watching and she kind of blushes and looks away. you know what I'm talking about? I want to be that girl. in my mind, I sometimes think I am. but for those of you that know me, you know that for me, an easy, graceful smile, and especially a laugh, is almost impossible. I tend to be a little goofy, a lot awkward. but nevertheless I picture myself at social gatherings, parties, whatever, being watched by that special someone, admired.

man, movies really ruin you, don't they?

books have been having a similar effect on me lately as well. so far this summer, I'm on my 5th book. it's not even June yet. I go through phases of reading like a mad-woman. and when I do, the same thing always happens. my innner dialogue, all my thoughts, morph into this quasi-movie script or personal memoir. as if I'm looking back on my life from some point WAY in the future. for example: if I was thinking about going to a party, something I almost never do, the thought going through my head would be this, "I got invited to a party that night. I never went to parties very much. it was never really my scene. I always seemed to be intimidated by the prospect of so many people I didn't know, having to make awful small talk with anyone new that I might meet. still for some strange reason I had an urge to go. I pictured myself as that leading lady, sipping a beer around the fire with friends while some unknown guy watched from afar, waiting to introduce himself." THAT'S what goes through my head! sometimes I don't even catch myself thinking that way until it's been going on for about an hour. I think I see myself as doing something awesome in my lifetime, something creative and beautiful, something worth writing about at the end of it all. maybe I'm just practicing for that book. maybe it's just a mental rough draft.

when it rains, it freaking pours

the act of juggling plates continues. this week I have endured: my car's battery dying, getting my car jumped twice, buying a new battery ($85), hooking up the jumper cables wrong and blowing countless fuses, my AC and radio going out, then the alternator and alternator fuse, getting a new alternator ($285), borrowing my brother's car and then leaving the lights on all day which in result made the battery on HIS car die right in time for me to take the kids to the softball field, then I have to have my boss's neighbors jump me again so I can get the kids to the game on time. phew...I got my car back last night and the radio is still dead, no power locks anymore either. but such is life. oh yea...and I got a ticket today. another one. after two months of no speeding, I'm caught in the act without even knowing I did it.

yesterday I was waiting for my food at Jason's deli and I was watching a mom trying to get her son to tell her what he wanted for dinner. he was uncooperative to say the least. I was completely worn out from my day and adventures with my car, and for the first time in my entire life, I was TERRIFIED of having kids. it reminded me of that scene in Father of the Bride 2, when George Banks finds out that his wife is pregnant again right about the time he was planning to retire. They're driving home from the doctor's office and his wife is looking out the window at this beautiful mother pushing a stroller down the street, a rosy picture of motherhood. and on the other side George is looking out the window at this father frantically running after his son who, in turn throws his ice cream cone on his dad's shirt, stomps on his foot, and screams, "I don't WANT an ice cream cone!!" the feeling was pretty scary, mostly because I've never felt it before. I made this realization that right now, I get to go home at the end of the day. if Callahan keeps on being a brat, I don't have to worry about it, he's not my kid. I get to hang out with my friends whenever I want to. I get to go to yoga. I can do whatever I please with my time. and, not that kids are coming anytime soon (I'm not even dating anyone for goodness sake), but as soon as it happens, there's no ME anymore. it's all them. nothing wrong with that, but I guess I had never realistically thought it through.

curse of the plate twirler

in the few months since coming home from my DTS, I have managed to load my schedule to the max. this seems to be a trend for me. I like being busy, I like this kind of lifestyle, but is it possible that it's because it's all I've known?

sometimes I feel a bit like one of those plate twirlers. you know, like the ones you usually see coupled with awful "comedic" majicians on cruiselines or the ones you see on America's Got Talent. they get a bunch of plates spinning on poles and one starts to wobble and fall and they run over and save it, then the one on the very end starts in and they run back over to save that one. I feel like that guy sometimes.



between the relationships I'm struggling to maintain (and feeling guilty about not doing a better job), my job, my family, my morals, my relationship with the Lord...it's all pretty overwhelming. and I'll be the first to say that I have no idea how to keep them all spinning.

I bought a weekly planner the other day. my feeble attempt at keeping myself from imploding like a dying star. but am I happy? yes, actually. I just feel like sometimes I'm grasping at straws.