leading lady

you know those scenes in movies, usually chick flicks or at least ones with a love interest, where the camera pans over to the leading lady? it's usually at a party or a social gathering where there are a lot of people. The male lead is completely smitten and just watching her from afar as she interacts with other people. She's usually laughing and sipping a cocktail, totally unaware that the guy is watching her and it's usually in semi, slow-motion. Or sometimes she's laughing and realizes the guy is watching and she kind of blushes and looks away. you know what I'm talking about? I want to be that girl. in my mind, I sometimes think I am. but for those of you that know me, you know that for me, an easy, graceful smile, and especially a laugh, is almost impossible. I tend to be a little goofy, a lot awkward. but nevertheless I picture myself at social gatherings, parties, whatever, being watched by that special someone, admired.

man, movies really ruin you, don't they?

books have been having a similar effect on me lately as well. so far this summer, I'm on my 5th book. it's not even June yet. I go through phases of reading like a mad-woman. and when I do, the same thing always happens. my innner dialogue, all my thoughts, morph into this quasi-movie script or personal memoir. as if I'm looking back on my life from some point WAY in the future. for example: if I was thinking about going to a party, something I almost never do, the thought going through my head would be this, "I got invited to a party that night. I never went to parties very much. it was never really my scene. I always seemed to be intimidated by the prospect of so many people I didn't know, having to make awful small talk with anyone new that I might meet. still for some strange reason I had an urge to go. I pictured myself as that leading lady, sipping a beer around the fire with friends while some unknown guy watched from afar, waiting to introduce himself." THAT'S what goes through my head! sometimes I don't even catch myself thinking that way until it's been going on for about an hour. I think I see myself as doing something awesome in my lifetime, something creative and beautiful, something worth writing about at the end of it all. maybe I'm just practicing for that book. maybe it's just a mental rough draft.